When you feel the heaviness of your eyes settle when a cloud of sleepiness comforts you with a sense of security from reality - you are at peace. Yet, the second you wake up.. you struggle to find a reason to start and finish the day. Depression isn't being sad all of the time it's dealing with all the baggage that gets built up and never spoken of or acknowledged by others. You feel that you are obligated to carry this weight all by yourself and then constantly reminded to just "deal with it." This baggage is filled up with sorrows and regrets from the past and present. You feel trapped and alone. And there I was on top of my own securities (the chair). The field helped emphasize the loneliness I felt during the severe depression. Along with feeling alone I would always close myself to make myself feel safe hence why I held my chest with my arms - curled up.
My security was being alone. The fact that I knew I could rely on myself was kept me feeling safe inside yet the thing that kept me shut out were the people I lived with - especially my abusive grandmother. This woman had no control over her own kids but then assumed the position of taking of her grandkids (me and my siblings). I am very fortunate to have had the financial support and roof over my head but my brother and I did not deserve the abuse we went through. There was no room for mistakes when it came to that woman. As long as didn't "act like my mom" I was in the good. But that only played out for so long. Everyone makes mistakes but she blew them out of proportion and then had the andudacity to ask why she didn't have a relationship with any of her kids or grandkids. I pushed myself away from her to keep myself safe but at the same time I had to watch her abuse my brother 10x worse - emotionally, mentally, and physically. No child should ever have to go through that and that's why it don't tolerate abuse today.
My security was being alone. The fact that I knew I could rely on myself was kept me feeling safe inside yet the thing that kept me shut out were the people I lived with - especially my abusive grandmother. This woman had no control over her own kids but then assumed the position of taking of her grandkids (me and my siblings). I am very fortunate to have had the financial support and roof over my head but my brother and I did not deserve the abuse we went through. There was no room for mistakes when it came to that woman. As long as didn't "act like my mom" I was in the good. But that only played out for so long. Everyone makes mistakes but she blew them out of proportion and then had the andudacity to ask why she didn't have a relationship with any of her kids or grandkids. I pushed myself away from her to keep myself safe but at the same time I had to watch her abuse my brother 10x worse - emotionally, mentally, and physically. No child should ever have to go through that and that's why it don't tolerate abuse today.
My depression lead to bigger things like therapy and medication. Therapy helped but the medication numbed me. The medication made me keep a straight face throughout the day. More medication helped me close my eyes as night. I couldn't fall asleep. Without the medication I would stare into the blackness of my room and think of nothing. The lack of sleep lead to me having dark circles under my eyes. Some nights would leave me tossing and turning for hours. I had insomnia. In the picture, the leaves and vines symbolize all of the thoughts that would pop up in my head leading me to thinking of a million things in one night. My eyes are dramatically dark because of the effect of no sleep caused dark circles.. from my dark thoughts.
I can't count the amount of times I've thought of death but it runs through my mind like a freight train. Turquoise and purple are the colors of the suicide awareness ribbon and I am proud to wear those colors. Death isn't the answer. Getting past those thoughts and attempts has made me a stronger person.
I was diagnosed with depression and was an insomniac. I can gladly say that I have overcome my severe depression and do not have much of a sleeping problem anymore. Suicidal thoughts do occure but thats my fight to battle and im glad i have support. I'm glad I can move on from the past. Maybe not with all of my family or parents in my life but with my strength to guide my own future family to better days.
-Emerald