Hey Everyone,
It's been awhile sense my last blog post. Lots has changed, both good and bad. Let's start with the good! Before Thanksgiving I fell into a little bit of a depression. I was feeling like my life had no meaning, like I was just here and that my anxiety was consuming me. Prior to having anxiety I was a very driven person, anything I wanted to accomplish I did. Nothing stopped me. So when anxiety creeped back into my life I felt as if that part of me was disappearing. It was one of the scariest realizations I've ever had. I felt as though I had started to regain some of the peices of who I am again. Only to realize that I am still lost. Before thanksgiving I broke down, I went back to those same thoughts. The ones that I have been trying so hard to rid my head of "Your worthless!" "You will never be anything!" "If you died no one would even care." I tried to smile through the pain , like I had all my life. But I broke, I cried, I screamed. I questioned God , I contemplated self harm and even taking my own life. My moods were so crazy, my boyfriend asked me one day "What's wrong babe?" I looked up at him tears running down my face, and I asked him "Why am I here?" He looked at me and said "What do you mean?" I wiped the tears on my cheeks that seemed to keep coming and told him EXACTLY HOW I FELT. . " My family doesn't care about me, my own dad told me he hopes I die. My mom only calls when she needs something, my so called siblings don't want anything to do with me. I can't go to school because I might have a panic attack at school , I can't focus, I can't get a job because there are days were I can't even get out of bed.
So why babe? Why am I here ?." Right then, at that moment I felt defeated. Eloy looked at me speechless, grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug. I proceeded to cry my eyes out. He grabbed the sides of my face with his hands and said "I love you, how can we fix this. " along with these feelings I had been feeling lost I would feel like my days didn't have meaning. I needed something to be proud of, I needed something to make me see that there is a reason I'm here. Eloy and me talked for a long time after that, about my feelings, my self worth, and my dreams. He asked me " Whats something that you've always wanted to do but you never got the opportunity to try." I looked at him and said "Photograpghy" and that right there is how I came to find the thing that brought me out of my depression. It has been about a month that I've been doing Photograpghy if your interested in seeing my work here's the link - https://www.facebook.com/jmhphotography32/?ref=hl
I absolutely love what I do. It gives me hope, it gives me meaning in my life, it helped bring that driven girl back to the front of my head and my heart. Right where she needed to be. BY NO MEANS am I healed of my anxiety and depression and PTSD. BUT I believe all of us fall apart, and I also believe that it makes us stronger. I still have anxiety daily , I still struggle with depression, and still have flashbacks from my PTSD. And it's okay, I have found something that I love that has helped me mentally and I believe that it's helping heal my heart. I guess what I'm trying to get at is. If you feel like your life is falling apart, like there isn't any hope. Find something that you love , whatever it is. I don't care if it's skipping down the street. You go out there everyday and you skip until you can't skip anymore and you know what I bet some people will look at you crazy, but you know something else there might be some people that look and see how happy you are and they'll start skipping with you. Who knows you might have skipping events haha. Find something that brings you happiness and let that pull you out of your depression, let it ease your anxiety, and let it help calm your PTSD. I'm not saying that everyday will be a sunny day with rainbows. But put those positive things in your life and it'll change you. Just like it's changing me. I just wanted to come on here and let you guys know I'm still kicking and to everyone that reads my blog posts thank you so much ! I hope that this may have helped someone always feel free to email me or leave any comments! HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! Keep fighting 😘
Xoxo - Jeannie
It's been awhile sense my last blog post. Lots has changed, both good and bad. Let's start with the good! Before Thanksgiving I fell into a little bit of a depression. I was feeling like my life had no meaning, like I was just here and that my anxiety was consuming me. Prior to having anxiety I was a very driven person, anything I wanted to accomplish I did. Nothing stopped me. So when anxiety creeped back into my life I felt as if that part of me was disappearing. It was one of the scariest realizations I've ever had. I felt as though I had started to regain some of the peices of who I am again. Only to realize that I am still lost. Before thanksgiving I broke down, I went back to those same thoughts. The ones that I have been trying so hard to rid my head of "Your worthless!" "You will never be anything!" "If you died no one would even care." I tried to smile through the pain , like I had all my life. But I broke, I cried, I screamed. I questioned God , I contemplated self harm and even taking my own life. My moods were so crazy, my boyfriend asked me one day "What's wrong babe?" I looked up at him tears running down my face, and I asked him "Why am I here?" He looked at me and said "What do you mean?" I wiped the tears on my cheeks that seemed to keep coming and told him EXACTLY HOW I FELT. . " My family doesn't care about me, my own dad told me he hopes I die. My mom only calls when she needs something, my so called siblings don't want anything to do with me. I can't go to school because I might have a panic attack at school , I can't focus, I can't get a job because there are days were I can't even get out of bed.
So why babe? Why am I here ?." Right then, at that moment I felt defeated. Eloy looked at me speechless, grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug. I proceeded to cry my eyes out. He grabbed the sides of my face with his hands and said "I love you, how can we fix this. " along with these feelings I had been feeling lost I would feel like my days didn't have meaning. I needed something to be proud of, I needed something to make me see that there is a reason I'm here. Eloy and me talked for a long time after that, about my feelings, my self worth, and my dreams. He asked me " Whats something that you've always wanted to do but you never got the opportunity to try." I looked at him and said "Photograpghy" and that right there is how I came to find the thing that brought me out of my depression. It has been about a month that I've been doing Photograpghy if your interested in seeing my work here's the link - https://www.facebook.com/jmhphotography32/?ref=hl
I absolutely love what I do. It gives me hope, it gives me meaning in my life, it helped bring that driven girl back to the front of my head and my heart. Right where she needed to be. BY NO MEANS am I healed of my anxiety and depression and PTSD. BUT I believe all of us fall apart, and I also believe that it makes us stronger. I still have anxiety daily , I still struggle with depression, and still have flashbacks from my PTSD. And it's okay, I have found something that I love that has helped me mentally and I believe that it's helping heal my heart. I guess what I'm trying to get at is. If you feel like your life is falling apart, like there isn't any hope. Find something that you love , whatever it is. I don't care if it's skipping down the street. You go out there everyday and you skip until you can't skip anymore and you know what I bet some people will look at you crazy, but you know something else there might be some people that look and see how happy you are and they'll start skipping with you. Who knows you might have skipping events haha. Find something that brings you happiness and let that pull you out of your depression, let it ease your anxiety, and let it help calm your PTSD. I'm not saying that everyday will be a sunny day with rainbows. But put those positive things in your life and it'll change you. Just like it's changing me. I just wanted to come on here and let you guys know I'm still kicking and to everyone that reads my blog posts thank you so much ! I hope that this may have helped someone always feel free to email me or leave any comments! HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! Keep fighting 😘
Xoxo - Jeannie