Sense the last time I've posted a blog post several things have happened. My Senior year of High School my dad and me were talking and basically having a somewhat relationship with each other. Prior to talking with my dad I hadn't spoken to him in almost 2 years. So we were getting use to talking with one another and my senior year he decided to help me get a car. At the time I wasn't of age SOOOO the car was in HIS name. Along with the insurance and such. He one day gave me the car keys and said " This is your car." I remember how happy I was. See growing up my dad has ALWAYS been the type of person to give you something and then throw it in your face, or threaten to take it away. At the time I still wanted to believe that my dad was trying, that he could be a dad. Fast forward to now. After several threats and fights I no longer have the car. When I was little my dad was such a mean person. I always wanted to see him as my hero. I remember having him yell in my face, and always be very abusive. Of coarse I had to put up with it. I took every hit. He would call me fat, ugly, stupid, a whore, and so many other names. I will always remember crying and at one time I believed that I was those things. But today I know for A FACT that I AM NONE OF THOSE THINGS! A week or so ago my dad called me. Wanting to yell and wanting me to put money into a car that IS NOT IN MY NAME. I told him no and he got angry. I calmly told him " If you are going to yell, I will not talk to you." And of coarse he threatened to take the car away. So I told him " Go ahead and take it. I'm not doing this anymore." 2 days later he took it. Yea it hurt, I think it hurt because that car was the last thing that linked me and my dad together. And it was gone. Days passed he would call me I didn't pick up. One evening something told me "Jeannie call him." So my boyfriend called asking what he needed and why he kept on calling. Basically the only reason he was calling was to tell me how I messed up the car....... That hurt too. I pulled the phone away from my boyfriend and for the first time in my life I LET EVERYTHING OUT ! And for the first time in my life he couldn't hurt me. So when he turned to bashing me saying things like.. Your a bitch, your ungrateful, your a dumb ass, I regret ever having you, I hope you die, and I hope your mom dies, this is why no one loves you, this is why your brother and sister don't want anything to do with you, I never want to see you again. The list goes on and on. I sat there on the phone while he said these things, and for the first time in my life I fought for me. I am NOT dumb I AM NOT any of these things that he said. I choose not to have a relationship with my siblings. I am doing NOW what IS healthy for me. I love me and I have a family that loves me. And I can finally say after years of abuse, he no longer gets to hurt me. Honestly I don't know when I will ever talk to him again. I don't wish him anything but the best. He will continue to stay in my prayers everyday. But I have let go of ever believing and hoping that he could be the father that I have always needed. And I'm okay. The other day I was talking to my mom about therapy, and she asked me "Jeannie why do you go to therapy if it gives you anxiety, if it makes you sad." she goes on to say " I don't like thinking about the past I just try to forget it and not feel what hurts me." I looked at her and said " Well mom, I do it because I want nothing more than to be the best mom I can be to my children, I know that By going to therapy and feeling all of these feelings. Reliving my past. It hurts like hell but I do it because it is making me a stronger Jeannie, And a stronger mom for my kids." My mom still doesn't understand completely and I don't expect her to. Therapy is for me. My therapist used this analogy to describe my parents to me. "Your parents are like a a water well. You can send down the bucket but when you pull it up there isn't going to be anything. Your fathers well is completely dry and your mom has a little to give. But your parents will never be able to handle your emotions, it isn't their fault just like when a well is dry that just how it is. " Being here on earth we will all experience pain, and sadness. People will do things to us that hurt us so deeply we wonder if we will ever be able to recover. But it is up to us. To seek the help that we need to recover. I have no doubt that my parents addictions stemmed from hurt hearts and not wanting to heal. Or even not knowing how. Ever week I go to therapy on the way there I have anxiety, and throughout the rest of the week I grieve. But then there are those days like the day I stood up to my dad and told him how I felt. The days that even when some one tries to tear you down, you can say to yourself " I love you and you are beautiful." Those days are worth every anxiety attack they are worth ever tear, every trip to Turlock, they are worth every tissue box I have ever used in one session. Those are the days that I can see for myself that I AM healing, I AM making progress. And after everything is said and done it'll be worth it to be able to know how to be a good mother to my children and give them everything they need not only material items but everything they need emotionally. I know that I still have a ways to go but one things for sure I have never given up on anything so no matter how hard it gets I will keep going.
good vibes :)
-Jeannie :)
good vibes :)
-Jeannie :)