It is currently 1:12 AM as I lay here and write this. I haven't been restless like this in such a long time. I can't remember the last time to be honest. My heart is heavy, I feel a deep sadness that I just can't seem to shake off. I feel as if depression is grabbing hold of me again. The past 2 days I've been feeling very numb. Emotionless. Some might say my body is protecting me ? Who knows. As I lay here and try to analyze every possible reason for why I can be feeling this way, I only seem to dig myself a deeper hole, that I call depression. I can't help but continue to think. As I lay here and write this out. This is me being completely open, vulnerable. It's so hard to tell someone exactly why I'm sad, why I'm angry, why I'm not "me". The truth is I am hurt. I'm am angry. I'm angry because as I lay here I think of everything in my life I wish would have gone differently. I sit here and continue to think of my future sometimes thoughts come into my head of not being here. I'm angry that I have to go through this. That I have to take medication to cope with all of this fucked up shit that my parents let happen to me. I'm angry that every week I go to therapy and sit and open my heart up, just to feel even more pain throughout the week. I'm angry that I let certain people come into my life and hurt me. I'm angry that at 19 years old instead of being in a home with both of my parents surrounded by family ,enjoying life. I lay here in my own home thinking of tomorrow's therapy session. Thinking of how I can get these things off my chest. Wondering when I'll start feeling again. Resisting the urge to cut, resisting the urge to run away from it all. To never come back. It's 1:26AM and I'm heartbroken. I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm restless, I'm hopeless,I'm fighting the urge to leave it all behind. But this is me. This is real. Some days I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. More than anything lately I've been feeling so displaced. My PTSD has gotten to the point where I'm having flashbacks left and right. That's one of the hardest things to cope with. Just feeling like every time I leave my house I'm going to be triggered. I'm going to be that little girl again. That I'm going to be right there back in my worst nightmare. As hard as you try to stop it from happening it hits you.. I'm there again. The other day I was driving by an old apartment complex I use to live in with Paul (my dad) when I was in middle school about 7th grade. As we rounded the corner out of nowhere it hit me. I was back at that same small one bedroom apartment. Where so many terrible things happened. I can remember a time when my mom was living with us (us being my myself and Paul)
I remember one day we all were in this old ford ranger after I was picked up from school. I was so happy to see my mom. I climbed into the truck and we went back to that apartment. I can't remember exactly why but Paul and my mom got into an argument. Of coarse I was in the middle. My mom was drunk (as usual) Paul grabbed my mom by the shirt and threw her out of the truck onto the floor. I yelled and stuck up for my mom and well he grabbed me at first by my shirt and began dragging me to the apartment. I fought him the whole way kicking and screaming. I remember he looked me in the eye and grabbed me by the hair and through me into a bush and continued to drag me by my hair to the apartment. My mom started fighting with him I got free. And, I ran. I ran across the street to a store to use a phone to call for help. I Called an aunt who refused to pick me up even though I let her know what was going on. Everyone was scared of Paul. So I was stuck. I remember begging and crying in front of people I didn't even know. I had no idea what to do. Where to go. I sat by this building crying my eyes out as people passed by. I remember at that moment I just want to die. I never felt loved. I never felt wanted. I was a paycheck from the state. I knew that. I was a punching bag. Eventually Paul came looking for me, so did my drunk mom. I hid. But who was I kidding I had to go back. I had no one. Absolutely no one. I remember contemplating sleeping outside by the creek. I ended up going back to that apartment and continued to live with daily abuse. It was one of the most terrible times of my life. But that day when I passed by those places it was as if I never left. Thats what a flashback feels like. I could feel my hair being pulled again. My heart ached as I felt those feelings. It aches now as I write this. There is so much that no one knows about. Things that happened to me. I want to write about it. To get it out. It just takes time. One things for sure I never have to go back to that apartment as long as I live. It's 1:54 AM and I'm still here hanging on. . .
I remember one day we all were in this old ford ranger after I was picked up from school. I was so happy to see my mom. I climbed into the truck and we went back to that apartment. I can't remember exactly why but Paul and my mom got into an argument. Of coarse I was in the middle. My mom was drunk (as usual) Paul grabbed my mom by the shirt and threw her out of the truck onto the floor. I yelled and stuck up for my mom and well he grabbed me at first by my shirt and began dragging me to the apartment. I fought him the whole way kicking and screaming. I remember he looked me in the eye and grabbed me by the hair and through me into a bush and continued to drag me by my hair to the apartment. My mom started fighting with him I got free. And, I ran. I ran across the street to a store to use a phone to call for help. I Called an aunt who refused to pick me up even though I let her know what was going on. Everyone was scared of Paul. So I was stuck. I remember begging and crying in front of people I didn't even know. I had no idea what to do. Where to go. I sat by this building crying my eyes out as people passed by. I remember at that moment I just want to die. I never felt loved. I never felt wanted. I was a paycheck from the state. I knew that. I was a punching bag. Eventually Paul came looking for me, so did my drunk mom. I hid. But who was I kidding I had to go back. I had no one. Absolutely no one. I remember contemplating sleeping outside by the creek. I ended up going back to that apartment and continued to live with daily abuse. It was one of the most terrible times of my life. But that day when I passed by those places it was as if I never left. Thats what a flashback feels like. I could feel my hair being pulled again. My heart ached as I felt those feelings. It aches now as I write this. There is so much that no one knows about. Things that happened to me. I want to write about it. To get it out. It just takes time. One things for sure I never have to go back to that apartment as long as I live. It's 1:54 AM and I'm still here hanging on. . .